New Year, New Me

New year, new me!

That's what everyone says around this time of year, right? They make a ton of resolutions, get gym memberships, start pinning new diet recipes to try, get haircuts, and organize their closets. It's a time you look back on your year and decide what you want to change, or what you want to do better. I'm guilty of it too! 

I turned a quarter of a century old,

at the end of the 2018 year. It made me think about a lot of things, and I'm still all on the side of "new me", but I didn't want to look at it quite like we normally do. Every year I have the same feelings as all those resolution-makers. I research affordable gym memberships, I look into those fad diets, and then something miraculous happens; I dive head first into my resolutions and crash miserably a week later. I don't follow through, I am embarrassingly horrible at follow-through and motivation. I don't see the "new me" a week later like I thought I would. I don't have thousands of dollars in my bank account like I thought my new budgeting plan would manifest. I didn't accomplish any of my goals.

This is where the new, new me comes in!

This year I wanted to look at my new year resolutions differently. My first step was knocking "resolution". It implied I had a problem, that I was doing things wrong and I needed to fix them. That's why I would beat myself up when I didn't see results fast, I felt like a failure. I let myself down. I was still that "wrong" version of myself. I may as well give up, I would never see those strict resolutions through. This year, I changed my viewpoint to 2019 goals.

Yeah, yeah, what's the difference? Goal, resolution, same thing. I guess, but in my mind, goal is a much friendlier word for what I want. A goal is something you're shooting for, and sometimes you miss, and guess what? That's O.K. You're still playing the game. You're still trying. You're not failing. If I set a goal, that doesn't mean I have to have it perfect in the first week. It is what I want to be doing better by the time 2020 comes around. 

My next step was setting more attainable, more specific goals. I don't mean "lose 20 pounds". If I make my goal "exercise" there is no way I can not achieve. If I don't lose 20 pounds, I feel bad and judge myself based on a number on a scale. I tried to make all my goals positive, and smaller than possible. That was it is easier for me to achieve it. If I think I can do something more than once a week I set my goal for weekly. I want to achieve the goal, and if I can do more, I'll do more. I can increase the goals that I met and exceeded later, and that way if I don't do well at one it can stay the same. 

I set a Word of the Year to give a sort of "theme" to my goals.

My word of the year is Kind. I want to have kinder thoughts, kinder actions, kinder words. I want to be kind to others. I want to be kinder to myself. People automatically have a thought about you as soon as they see you or hear about you. It can be positive or negative, I would like to bring a positive thought to people's minds. Also I want to have those positive thoughts about myself. I want people to be able to say, "she is so nice!", "she is so confident!". 

I have, most of my life, never had good thoughts about myself. "I have no talent" "I have no skill" "I'm ugly" "I need to lose weight". Amy Poehler calls this "The Demon". Sometimes you can tell the demon to get lost, but it is usually chilling in the corner, waiting to attack. She has a beautiful quote that says something like, speak to yourself the way you would speak to your daughter or best friend or sister. You would tell them they are beautiful and smart and wonderful and you wouldn't be lying. Yeah, I have stretch marks, yeah I have loose skin from my pregnant belly, yeah I have gained weight since high school. But my body GREW A HUMAN BEING AND BIRTHED HIM. That's pretty insane. And one of the most beautiful things I can think of. So I need to start seeing myself in a kinder light.

I was listening to Jen Hatmaker's "For the Love" podcast where she was talking with Jameela Jamil, from The Good Place. She was talking about how the show makes her think about her motives for being kind. The thought is, are you doing kind things to be kind, or doing kind things to be recognized? For example, do you put the dollar in the tip jar so the barista sees you, or do you wait until they turn their back to slip the bill in? That really made me question my motives, so I hope to do more random acts of kindness or doing something inconspicuously nice this year. Doing kind things shouldn't be a show, in fact, try not telling anyone.

I am the worst at listening to negative words or unkind words about something or someone and just quietly nodding. I am so passive I am terrified of the confrontation of telling someone that isn't nice or telling them my opinion. Benjamin fusses at me when I don't speak up and I really feel bad about it later. I hope this year to use my voice to speak up for others, to voice my viewpoint when I disagree or hear someone speaking in an unkind way. I realize the best way to do this without confrontation is to do it in a kind way. (See how kind is kind of a theme here? I'm too much, I know.) It is impossible to argue or get angry with someone saying something so nice. IMPOSSIBLE. If you are gossiping about a co-worker to me, talking about how you can't stand them etc. I can simply say something along the lines of "Really? I think she's really nice, and an extremely hard worker. Maybe you misunderstood something she said." No one wants to rant and complain to Positive Polly, they want you to pile on and be a Negative Ninny. (I know a lot of nice, really cool Nancy's so I didn't want that to be the negative nickname.) 

Me, surrounding myself with sparkly kindness.

My 2019 Goals

Without any further ado, I am going to share my 2019 goals. I am hoping that journaling these goals, as well as blogging them will help hold me more accountable and keep me on the right track. All my family and friends can help hold me to them.

1. Exercise once a week.

This one is hard for me, I am very impatient when it comes to exercise. I want to see results immediately. This is why I made my goal to exercise once a week, and not a weight goal. I will feel better and see results over time if I start to exercise regularly. I can definitely work out more than once a week, but my goal is to at least exercise once a week.

2. Create beautiful things.

I feel the best when I am creating, painting, doing, writing. I don't feel anxious, I don't feel sad, I feel like me. I want to feel like me more in 2019. I want to learn new artistic skills and enjoy being creative.

3. Journal every day.

Along with the creating beautiful things, last August I took up bullet journaling. I really enjoyed it a lot, and it keeps me doodling and daydreaming all day. I hope to journal every day this year and by the end of the year, have a fun, pack-full journal of memories and beauty.

4. Look at phone less.

I do not want to be constantly looking at my phone and using my phone this year. It really is an addiction I want to break. It makes me sad, angry, and anxious most of the time. Notice I use the word "less". If I can shave off some time each day, I will be succeeding.

5. Tidy one room a day.

Marie Kondo is the freaking queen. She is so cute and wonderful and sweet. I read her book a few years back and struggled to take it all in. Now her show is out, and I can watch and visualize her words and see them in action. It just isn't realistic to plan on "cleaning every day". That is too broad, and clean can mean so many different things. I plan to tidy at least one room a day so the whole house is constantly being cleaned and I focus on one room at a time. It makes it a much less intimidating task.

6. Cook/bake new things and more often.

"Eat healthy" is always a resolution, and always one I want to try. I always do a terrible job. I looked for the root of the problem. When/why do I eat unhealthy? When I eat fast food. It's easy and cheap. This year instead of picking a fad diet to restrain myself to, I plan to cook and bake more often. I enjoy it, and it can help me find some new and easy healthy options to add to our rotation when we actually do cook. I think if I cook more often, I will eat healthier. Here's hoping.

7. Read 50 books.

50 books doesn't seem like a lot to read in a year, but my goal was 100 last year and a big fat LOL to that. I did not make enough time to read 100 books. So I set my goal a bit lower, hoping to make more time and increase it next year!

8. Eat breakfast every day.

How simple is this goal?? I am so horrible. I NEVER eat breakfast, then before I know it, I am miserable, anxious, and sleepy. If I can make myself a cup of coffee, I can at least make myself a slice of toast with peanut butter before work BY GOLLY.

9. Finish writing 1 story.

I have at least 4 stories I have started on my computer. I enjoy writing all of them, but by the end of the year I want to hone in and focus on one enough to finish it.

10. Blog weekly.

Let's see how this goes. (You all saw my blogmas... LOL) I really want to stick to this! 

11. Speak up.

This goes along with the whole speaking my mind, defending others, speaking kindness thing.

12. Save more, spend less.

This year I want to not buy things I don't need. I am so bad for buying things other people tell me to buy. I want to be intentional with my finances so I can save for nicer things instead of buying here and there things I ultimately de-clutter and give away.

13. Get a promotion.

Whether this is my own classroom, or a financial upgrade of any sort, or even just progressing in an area or skill. ;) I want to be doing something I love, and growing in that thing.

14. Drink 48 oz of water a day.

While I was breastfeeding I drank water like a madwoman, and I did so well! I bought a 48 oz water bottle and would drink 2 a day! Now I'm lucky if I drink one glass of water a day. If I can drink 2 cups of coffee, I can drink at least 48 oz of water BY GOLLY. (I'm hating of my coffee habits in this blog, I would make giving it up a goal but LOL)

15. Travel to 3 places.

I really don't travel. I haven't been very many places in my life. I would love to go to 3 places I haven't been, or maybe 3 places I have been but do new things while there. I have a baby, so I'm realistic here.

Well, there you have it! I am not the same person I was last year, I have learned and grown and become older and wiser. I have a pretty good feeling about 2019, and I hope to be a better person by the end of it. 💖